saveme.

Residual ache,
and the familiar presence of subsequent numbness.

I am a fortress...
with paper walls and toy cannons.

A battlement forged in the sweat of my own effort.

Man-made and proportionately immortal.

Thick skin and practiced expressions.

No one will know I hurt if I can help it.
No one.

But therein lies the problem with paper...
tearing beneath pressure,
moving with the wind.

So blow me down.

Watch imperial towers fall in Your wake.
Leave me in ruin,

in numbness.

In the presence of residual ache.

For I am a fortress,
cannons firing blanks.

A battlement forged of my good effort,
that can no longer fight for itself.

Save me.

permissible. [forbetterorworse]

These doldrums have become a dull drum..

predictable repetition of such numbingly wearisome rhythm.

My heart beats far too extravagantly,
far too alive,
to find its rest in this pattern.

And so, stand I will not...
wait expectantly I will not.

Tarrying has lost its luster in the blinding light of promise.
Your promise.

I have lost my interest in the decoration of performance.
Her metals are not rare.

Rusted and conventional,
they leak they're poison through the flesh of my chest...

entering the bloodstream, and corrupting the heart.

I will not give up my breath to self-made and tepid,
if that's what is to give You glory.

It's all You
or it's all me.

All
or nothing.

You, who orchestrates the rhythm of this heart.

Write your resonant symphony,
or will me your wand.

Only one of us can conduct,
and the zenith of time is upon us.

If You are who I hope,
breathe life into wearied and numb...
be the heart-bending melody and sweeping landscape.

Do, so I will not.

These doldrums are not my home,
so make for me a land called pleasure...

lest I am left to my own limbs and devices,
to fulfill promises my heart did not dare to utter.

All, or nothing.
Permissible?
Yes.

Beneficial is the chief responsibility and,
I want to believe,
the sole longing of the benefactor.

For better or worse.

forfeit.

What admirable will;
pure as the driven snow,
blind as the night is dark.

Exalt yourself follower...

believe in your shallow moment and waning pride
that you have done well.

Build your house on good effort and righteous performance...

Live in your facade, knowing all too deeply
that you haven't ever known.

I've traveled the four winds to discover the discipline of men
is often no more than the social security of the flesh.

Taking parts and pieces here and there...
promising a payout one day for faithfulness.

And so, I am found, guilty with the rest.

Creating a God who is good
somewhere in the mural of my duly rewarded accomplishments;

Making for myself a God I can see,
and bowing at its feet...
all so I can be certain he does, and is, exactly as I need.

But no less, and certainly no more.

Today,
Today I forfeit my "faith".

alive and fighting.

We fight to stay alive.

Make our beds with images and moments...
The substance of, or substances that feel like air in our lungs...water on our skin...

fire on the altar
alcohol in the blood
opiate for the nerves

We throw up our hands,
grasping at the right to feel...

something.

Try your giving up, only to find yourself trying.

To feel.
To know you have life.

The mandatory war of breath and existence.
We all, with or without the judgements on our lips,

we fight to stay alive.

breathing in.

I'm not that far from reality.

One breath in;
cold air against tired and tattered lungs

Even this handwriting is tired...
disorganized, contrived.

Whether they understand me or not,
I am living for what is real for now,
not then..

not them.

There always seems to be a gentle discontent in the voice of my words.



But I have learned that the pain perceived is, more often than not,
a hidden joy.

For the joy set before Him...

Vision gives pain purpose.
Purpose gives pain vision.

Pain gives purpose perspective.

The qualifier of passion..
hardship takes the helm at the open seas of live yet lived.

And we, her passengers, become either the heroes of the storm
or the cowards of her wreckage.

Well, I for one, do not plan to go down with your ship.

Call me the self-absorbed one.
Yes, I took the life boat.
Yes, I took the life vest.

Yes. I preserved my life.

I have eyes beyond your taunting influence.

Justice beyond your lofty judgements.

Because I know.

I have tasted of the age to come,
the sweetness of a woman's courage,
the hurricane of her discontent...

I have seen the "worth it" of the worthless.

One breath in...
    starlit air in my punctured, heaving lungs.

I hurt for real.
Feel the pain of sincerity...

and consider these things worth it.

I'm not that far from reality.

toneed.

Maintenance.
Silent keeping of a heart that often forgets to keep beating.

But what was once a 2nd nature seems to have deteriorated in time...

obligation steals away the breaths you're supposed to take.

Here, the gently unsettled place between sleep and awake,
here is where there is recollection of what it is to need.

I was once a brave soul,
standing tall in the face of giants,
slaying them with my sling full of seasoned words and vain repetitions.

Oh, the vanity of words...
the self-importance of knowledge.

I was once a swollen chest,
a proudly pulsing rhythm in a cavernous hull...

resonating like it was full.

Hiding like it was empty.

And so it was.  And so I see.
That what was once a second nature was in truth a learned behavior.

I am a lung that needs the air.
We have hearts that beat without our permission,
without our diligence.

There is no second nature, but only surely what is natural.

I have nothing but to be loved,
and therein be brought to life.

And still I maintain.
Try my hand at machines I don't understand.
Aim to change,
and fall just short of indifference.

Around again, to the same conclusions,
and melodies dancing in my head.

Here between sleep and awake,
gently unsettled.

I need You.
This is what it is to need.

Inside of me (a song for Kellye Rae: written mostly before she said yes to me)

I'll be funny just to make you laugh,
and let you keep thinking that time's just passing..

'cause you don't know how you warm my heart.

I'll find a melody that I can sing to,
'cause I know if I start it then you might sing too..

I can't say it now, but you're all I want.

I've been trying to find a way to tell you,
but I couldn't find the words.
Trying to find a way to say you're more beautiful,
than anything I've seen or heard.
Even melody and rhythm fail me,
and harmony makes it worse..
'cause there's just no way to tell you what you're worth...

I love you just the way you are,
and baby can't you see my heart has come alive
since you found your way inside.

I knew it when I saw your eyes,
and baby don't you know you don't have to try,
'cause you found your way inside of me.

I'll spend my life to give you butterflies,
and know its not a waste of my time..

I'll only move if I you'll take my hand.

Run into you to get you close to me,
hand in hand its you I'm breathing,

excuse me miss...
may I have this dance?

I've been trying to find a way to tell you,

but I couldn't find the words.

Trying to find a way to say you're more beautiful,

than anything I've seen or heard.

Even melody and rhythm fail me,

and harmony makes it worse..

'cause there's just no way to tell you what you're worth...

I love you just the way you are,

and baby can't you see my heart has come alive

since you found your way inside.

I knew it when I saw your eyes, 

and baby don't you know you don't have to try,

'cause you found your way inside

of me.